A Tale of Two Telephone Calls

Said the bride-to-be to her sister:

‘Mum wants me to have cake at the wedding, but I said, I hate cake! And she said you have to have cake at a wedding, and I said, I really hate cake. And she said, but what kind of cake would you have if you did have a cake, and I said I don’t want a cake, but if I had to have a cake I’d have a chocolate cake. And she said, you don’t have chocolate cake at a wedding, you have fruit cake. And I said I don’t want any cake! but she wasn’t listening so I’m probably going to end up with a fruit cake. God! I hate cake!’

Said the mother of the bride-to-be to her other daughter:

‘Your sister wants a chocolate cake at her wedding.’

Telling Tails

When the sisters returned home late on a Saturday night, the mother’s first question was always, ‘Have you been drinking?’

‘No, Mother,’ the eldest would reply.

‘No, Mother,’ the youngest would slur.

The mother would then turn to the spaniel, curled on a stool by the window, and say, ‘Isn’t she silly, she thinks we don’t know, doesn’t she? But we do know, don’t we? Yes we do!’

And the spaniel would rhythmically thump its tail against the carpet, appearing to agree.

This prompted the youngest daughter to add one more item to the list of grievances against her mother: ‘I hate it when she talks about me to the dog.’